The official graduation ceremony of my high school as well as prom - or Graduation Ball, as we call it here - was last Saturday, June 7. I’ve known for a while now that I had passed all exams and was, in fact, going to graduate but this was the real deal.

I ended up not going to prom which is not surprising at all and after having seen pictures from it, I’m glad that I didn’t. Hell, after seeing what people were wearing to the morning ceremony I didn’t want to go to prom anymore! I just wouldn’t have fit in, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable.

I’m glad it’s all behind me now. I’m not the kinda gal that likes pretty, formal clothes or tiny champagne flutes. I need loud music, beer and cowboy boots and strong wind and fewer people. Also, I need somebody to tell me to stand still when my dad’s trying to get a picture of me. Geez, it wouldn’t have hurt to quit moving for a second, now would it, he said afterwards. But oh well.

As expected, short dresses, champagne and summer heat made the whole thing more fun than it maybe should have been. The programme inside the auditorium was beautiful and moving. However, the only time I almost cried was when people started applauding upon our principal saying, I’LL NOW FINISH UP MY SPEECH. I felt really sorry for her but that was just me, I guess. Everybody else applauded and cheered and laughed.

To me, the most important day, the sad day, the day that high school ended was my last day of class because that’s when I stopped seeing everybody. And that’s when I actually missed them for a while, when I couldn’t imagine taking my next steps without them around me. Those were the thoughest days of my life because I fell and I fell and I fell and nothing and nobody was there to keep me from falling, suddenly everything was wide open. Those amazing kids of my class that I am so fucking proud of for doing such an amazing job, for facing this challenge that I’ve had to face, all of us together - it won’t be like that again. Ever. On that last day of class, that had become clearer than anything else.

But I’m okay now and Saturday was just a formality. I went in, got my certificate, my papers - and got the hell out of there.

No need to cut open old wounds, to let it eat my heart away again. Because deep down I know that I’m still hurting, and I will be for a while.

It’s happened. I’m no longer in high school, it’s official now.

I passed and I actually scored high on my final exams with an A in English, a B+ in German and a B- in History. I never would have thought that my History exam went that well, I had already come to peace with the fact that I’d have to go back in for an oral exam to make up for the missing grade points. I have a GPA of 2.6 (1.0 being the best, 4.0 the worst). It’s below average but still very acceptable and, personally, I’m very happy with it.

It all still seems a bit unreal and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now. Once school ended I had to study for the exams and once the exams were over I had to endure that sick feeling in my stomach while waiting for the finals to be graded. Now, when all is over, there’s nothing I have to do. Everything is possible.

Although, of course, I still have the Graduation Ball ahead of me (also referred to as prom in various parts of the world). Which is a bit of a downer.

Still: I emailed my friends and family in Kentucky right away, called my mom at work and my grandma to spread the good news. It’ll be a while until something this major, closing-a-chapter-of-my-life will happen again.

I AM NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE. Wow. Only waited thirteen years to finally be able to say that sentence. Wasn’t quite worth it, to be honest. But C’EST LA VIE, as they say.

In present tense because it is just that important.

I wake up this morning at around 6 as my brother jumps under the shower and my mom starts fixing herself some breakfast. I hear raindrops tapping against my windows and through the blinds I see the gloomy morning light.

I turn around in bed, lie on my back, my stomach, my side. I still have three more hours until I have to get up. This bed is comfy but has it always been this hot in here? The smaller one of my windows is open, I hear a few late birds twitter.

Milo Ventimiglia is so handsome in a tux, remember hematocryal and prey-predator-relations, I want to start reading Wuthering Heights. I’ll go buy a dress tomorrow. I check my cell phone, only two hours and 47 minutes. My hair smells pretty, ecologically oriented corporate policy, Milo is so handsome.

My mind just cannot rest. I feel surprisingly calm, though - a pre-P.E.-humiliation kind of calmness. But my mind, it’s going crazy behind these closed eyes.

My cell phone alarm goes off at nine sharp. My heart begins to pound, starting up a countdown. I walk to the bathroom, I get ready, I look at myself in the mirror. I’m sleepy and nervous beyond healthy. My heart is still pounding.

I go downstairs and eat some breakfast. I have the Biology book before me and try to focus on it. My breakfast is Coke and cinnamon toast. I figure if that doesn’t wake me up, then what will? I sigh, I read through my notes again. Half way through I grab the newspaper and read today’s world news. It’s so much more interesting than all this Biology nonsense - what surprise! Not.

It’s 9.45, the exam starts at 10.30. It takes me less than five minutes to walk over to school. My mind still races - from Jane Eyre to Gilmore Girls, from my loved-ones in Kentucky to my grandma who I’ll finally visit after this whole thing is over. But on the outside I’m still calm. As far as I know.

I brush my teeth, I brush my hair, I put on my shoes. It’s still raining outside which I take as a good sign. I love rain. It’s a little after ten, I’m supposed to be at school more than punctual so I put on my coat and grab my keys.

My head is filled with so much information that getting through the exam seems impossible at this point. But I feel proud because at least I’m not crying or shaking or going absolutely berserk. As I walk out into the rain, I want to smile but my heart is pounding crazily in my chest and I just want to get this over with. As usual, my head automatically figures out how long it’ll take until I’m back home and safe and done with it all. About 90 minutes, it calculates. I’ll be home by 11.30 at the latest.

I swallow hart as I enter the school building where I haven’t been for over five weeks now. It feels normal but I’m not sure where to go, so I wander around aimlessly for a little while until I find Mrs. H who’s always in charge of everything and anything official. She tells me to wait outside of room 326. Which is all the way up on the third floor.

When I get there I’m out of breath, my heart is almost skipping beats and I’m sweating. I’m too nervous to calm down and relax, the sweating won’t stop and I feel uneasy. Mr. FH, chairman of the Biology examination board, finally finds me and takes me into room 326 where my Biology teacher and the secretary who takes the minutes of my exam are waiting for me.

The latter is Mr. M - super-stud and brand new P.E. and Biology teacher. He smiles gorgeously and speaks some encouraging words that I can’t even hear. I get more nervous than I already am. My teacher hands me my exam questions and the materials needed to answer them. I am then sent into the next room where I have half an hour to prepare my ten minute talk. My hands are trembeling.

The preparation goes well. It takes me about three minutes to understand the first question but from there it goes better and quicker. My heart is still pounding, though, and my mind decides to show me rotational, brutally short flashes of Milo and Mr. M.; I can’t concentrate although I am desperately trying to.

I don’t have a watch and I don’t want to ask the teacher surveilling me. I am unsure what time it is, how much I have left to prepare. I hear voices in room 326 next door of another student being tested.

And then, 30 minutes are over: the moment is here. The door opens and Mr. FH comes in. As chairman, all he has to do is lead me around and watch the examination closely to ensure that my teacher asks appropriate questions. I walk into room 326 for the second time today. Super-stud Mr. M smiles at me, I smile back. He’s so dreamy. My teacher asks me to please sit and start my ten minute presentation. So that’s what I do.

Even though he is not supposed to, my teacher interrupts me before my ten minutes are over. I am shaken and unsettled at first but realize soon that it gives the exam a more casual atmosphere. I finish answering the prepared questions; definitely not perfect but good enough.

My teacher now starts asking me about other topics. Especially in the whole field of genetics I fail miserably, I don’t remember one single thing. Both the chairmain and the Super-Stud to my right don’t even flinch, my teacher keeps smiling encouragingly. They’re pretty awesome, I notice. But I still don’t know the answers.

After a total of 20 minutes, it’s over. I exhale dramatically, Super-Stud smirks, my teacher sighs. That was it, he says. He offers me a glass of water and cookies. I decline and smile weakly. So that was that, I think. I realize that I probably didn’t fail. And I never will have to bother even spending one thought on Biology. As these thoughts sink in, I slowly start to relax.

Say hi to your brother from me, says Mr. FH who used to be my brother’s home room teacher a really long time ago. I’m surprised he remembers and make some smalltalk. These guys are so nice. Even if genetics sucked, they made the exam as easy and comfortable as possible. I feel grateful and enthusiastically wave goodbye. Which makes Super-Stud smirk some more.

I feel embarassed and stumble out the door. I did it, I want to yell. As I am walking down the stairs I am digging through my bag to find my cell phone. I dial my mom’s number. She’s at work but I have to tell somebody.

I walk back home through the cool rain as I tell my mom all about the exam and we’re both happy that it’s finally over. After all, I used her as my personal studying coach during the past couple of weeks. I am relieved and I feel as if everything is possible now. I can stay up tonight as long as I want to, plus the night after that and the night after that and the night after that. I can read what I want, watch TV series whenever I please - I don’t have to worry anymore. (Except about my History exam, but I won’t know whether I passed or not before May 26.)

This feels so good. All this sudden freedom is almost a little unsettling. So I call my dad as well, his voice mail answers, I hang up, he calls back half an hour later, he congratulates me.

I start my Vaio, open Wordpress in Firefox, I look for the perfect soundtrack to this unique feeling. I end up listening to Ashlee Simpson’s first album, Lala and Surrender are great to dance around in wild circles. I start writing this entry. I can’t wait for my brother to get home from school.

It’s 12.30 and he’s not home yet, I stop typing and get my coat and my Biology book. I’d been told that students could go receive their oral exam grades after noon.

I walk back to school through the rain, rush through the entrance doors; business runs as usual, no one is around. My heart beats in my ears and in the tip of my right pinky. You didn’t fail, is all I really want to hear. I head to the library and return my Biology book, the lady in charge scans it, it’s officially not mine anymore, goodbye forever. I go to the main office and find Mrs. H, the one in charge of everything, standing right there. Ah Katharina, she exclaims and pulls me back out in the hall. I’m afraid it’s a D, she says next without hesitation. It throws me back a little, my enthusiasm is breaking. But I nod in agreement because, really, I didn’t expect anything else. She smiles and says that it won’t affect my GPA all that much.

I walk back home, through the rain again and I don’t feel quite as super-woman-y anymore. I try calling my mom again but the line is busy. The exam is finally over and I got a D. Which is perfectly fine. But two hours after the actual exam I am not as overjoyed anymore.

Either way, it’s a milestone, a mission accomplished.