My grandma and my uncle P, who’s also my godfather and, obviously, my grandma’s son, invited me to dinner today. We went to this pretty cool and comfy trucker place right next to a gas station. Which sounds crappy and inappropriate to celebrate the end of finals but it wasn’t and so we did a little partying. With water and huge plates of schnitzels and French fries. Everything there tasted amazing and the place was absolutely buzzing, too. Truckers, bless their lonely souls, can be quite an entertaining sight, is what I learned.

I originally planned to go see my grandma at her house but then my uncle suggested to do this instead. Which suited me just fine because I am still in a great mood. I can’t quite believe yet that finals are actually over. No more Biology or Math class. Of course now I have freedom from the things I hated at school but I also have freedom to do whatever I chose to be right for me. Which, as I’m beginning to understand, is just as intimidating.

But no. Getting rid of Math and Biology is the first step towards a better world for me.

The trucker place, as I said, was awesome. There were groups from the Netherlands and Great Britain and since it’s located right by the autobahn there were a billion different license plates. I just love seeing license plates from other countries, although, of course, these days the big old, yellow EU on blue background takes away some of the uniqueness.

Still, I enjoy discovering trucks from Poland, Latvia, and Hungary. It’s fun to make up stories about the truckers and the things they’ve seen.

Inevitably, our conversation’s subject went to traveling and my grandma told me about her cruise across the Baltic Sea. She’ll go in mid-June and the cruise will make stops on the German coast and then goes up along Finland and Sweden. I am so jealous.

However, my uncle is also going on a cruise in July and it’s going all the way up to Greenland. Now, that is amazing. Those two spend all their money on traveling which, I think, is pretty dang awesome.

Anyway, I’ve been home from the dinner for about four hours now and I am still stuffed. The food their was just amazing. I’ll go off and continue reading Wuthering Heights. I started about two days ago and I am extremely confused about the characters’ relations to each other. Plus, the old English language and phonetics don’t necessarily help.

Gah, this plan of reading as many classics as humanly possible is currently taking major hits, as in: DUDE WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

In present tense because it is just that important.

I wake up this morning at around 6 as my brother jumps under the shower and my mom starts fixing herself some breakfast. I hear raindrops tapping against my windows and through the blinds I see the gloomy morning light.

I turn around in bed, lie on my back, my stomach, my side. I still have three more hours until I have to get up. This bed is comfy but has it always been this hot in here? The smaller one of my windows is open, I hear a few late birds twitter.

Milo Ventimiglia is so handsome in a tux, remember hematocryal and prey-predator-relations, I want to start reading Wuthering Heights. I’ll go buy a dress tomorrow. I check my cell phone, only two hours and 47 minutes. My hair smells pretty, ecologically oriented corporate policy, Milo is so handsome.

My mind just cannot rest. I feel surprisingly calm, though - a pre-P.E.-humiliation kind of calmness. But my mind, it’s going crazy behind these closed eyes.

My cell phone alarm goes off at nine sharp. My heart begins to pound, starting up a countdown. I walk to the bathroom, I get ready, I look at myself in the mirror. I’m sleepy and nervous beyond healthy. My heart is still pounding.

I go downstairs and eat some breakfast. I have the Biology book before me and try to focus on it. My breakfast is Coke and cinnamon toast. I figure if that doesn’t wake me up, then what will? I sigh, I read through my notes again. Half way through I grab the newspaper and read today’s world news. It’s so much more interesting than all this Biology nonsense - what surprise! Not.

It’s 9.45, the exam starts at 10.30. It takes me less than five minutes to walk over to school. My mind still races - from Jane Eyre to Gilmore Girls, from my loved-ones in Kentucky to my grandma who I’ll finally visit after this whole thing is over. But on the outside I’m still calm. As far as I know.

I brush my teeth, I brush my hair, I put on my shoes. It’s still raining outside which I take as a good sign. I love rain. It’s a little after ten, I’m supposed to be at school more than punctual so I put on my coat and grab my keys.

My head is filled with so much information that getting through the exam seems impossible at this point. But I feel proud because at least I’m not crying or shaking or going absolutely berserk. As I walk out into the rain, I want to smile but my heart is pounding crazily in my chest and I just want to get this over with. As usual, my head automatically figures out how long it’ll take until I’m back home and safe and done with it all. About 90 minutes, it calculates. I’ll be home by 11.30 at the latest.

I swallow hart as I enter the school building where I haven’t been for over five weeks now. It feels normal but I’m not sure where to go, so I wander around aimlessly for a little while until I find Mrs. H who’s always in charge of everything and anything official. She tells me to wait outside of room 326. Which is all the way up on the third floor.

When I get there I’m out of breath, my heart is almost skipping beats and I’m sweating. I’m too nervous to calm down and relax, the sweating won’t stop and I feel uneasy. Mr. FH, chairman of the Biology examination board, finally finds me and takes me into room 326 where my Biology teacher and the secretary who takes the minutes of my exam are waiting for me.

The latter is Mr. M - super-stud and brand new P.E. and Biology teacher. He smiles gorgeously and speaks some encouraging words that I can’t even hear. I get more nervous than I already am. My teacher hands me my exam questions and the materials needed to answer them. I am then sent into the next room where I have half an hour to prepare my ten minute talk. My hands are trembeling.

The preparation goes well. It takes me about three minutes to understand the first question but from there it goes better and quicker. My heart is still pounding, though, and my mind decides to show me rotational, brutally short flashes of Milo and Mr. M.; I can’t concentrate although I am desperately trying to.

I don’t have a watch and I don’t want to ask the teacher surveilling me. I am unsure what time it is, how much I have left to prepare. I hear voices in room 326 next door of another student being tested.

And then, 30 minutes are over: the moment is here. The door opens and Mr. FH comes in. As chairman, all he has to do is lead me around and watch the examination closely to ensure that my teacher asks appropriate questions. I walk into room 326 for the second time today. Super-stud Mr. M smiles at me, I smile back. He’s so dreamy. My teacher asks me to please sit and start my ten minute presentation. So that’s what I do.

Even though he is not supposed to, my teacher interrupts me before my ten minutes are over. I am shaken and unsettled at first but realize soon that it gives the exam a more casual atmosphere. I finish answering the prepared questions; definitely not perfect but good enough.

My teacher now starts asking me about other topics. Especially in the whole field of genetics I fail miserably, I don’t remember one single thing. Both the chairmain and the Super-Stud to my right don’t even flinch, my teacher keeps smiling encouragingly. They’re pretty awesome, I notice. But I still don’t know the answers.

After a total of 20 minutes, it’s over. I exhale dramatically, Super-Stud smirks, my teacher sighs. That was it, he says. He offers me a glass of water and cookies. I decline and smile weakly. So that was that, I think. I realize that I probably didn’t fail. And I never will have to bother even spending one thought on Biology. As these thoughts sink in, I slowly start to relax.

Say hi to your brother from me, says Mr. FH who used to be my brother’s home room teacher a really long time ago. I’m surprised he remembers and make some smalltalk. These guys are so nice. Even if genetics sucked, they made the exam as easy and comfortable as possible. I feel grateful and enthusiastically wave goodbye. Which makes Super-Stud smirk some more.

I feel embarassed and stumble out the door. I did it, I want to yell. As I am walking down the stairs I am digging through my bag to find my cell phone. I dial my mom’s number. She’s at work but I have to tell somebody.

I walk back home through the cool rain as I tell my mom all about the exam and we’re both happy that it’s finally over. After all, I used her as my personal studying coach during the past couple of weeks. I am relieved and I feel as if everything is possible now. I can stay up tonight as long as I want to, plus the night after that and the night after that and the night after that. I can read what I want, watch TV series whenever I please - I don’t have to worry anymore. (Except about my History exam, but I won’t know whether I passed or not before May 26.)

This feels so good. All this sudden freedom is almost a little unsettling. So I call my dad as well, his voice mail answers, I hang up, he calls back half an hour later, he congratulates me.

I start my Vaio, open Wordpress in Firefox, I look for the perfect soundtrack to this unique feeling. I end up listening to Ashlee Simpson’s first album, Lala and Surrender are great to dance around in wild circles. I start writing this entry. I can’t wait for my brother to get home from school.

It’s 12.30 and he’s not home yet, I stop typing and get my coat and my Biology book. I’d been told that students could go receive their oral exam grades after noon.

I walk back to school through the rain, rush through the entrance doors; business runs as usual, no one is around. My heart beats in my ears and in the tip of my right pinky. You didn’t fail, is all I really want to hear. I head to the library and return my Biology book, the lady in charge scans it, it’s officially not mine anymore, goodbye forever. I go to the main office and find Mrs. H, the one in charge of everything, standing right there. Ah Katharina, she exclaims and pulls me back out in the hall. I’m afraid it’s a D, she says next without hesitation. It throws me back a little, my enthusiasm is breaking. But I nod in agreement because, really, I didn’t expect anything else. She smiles and says that it won’t affect my GPA all that much.

I walk back home, through the rain again and I don’t feel quite as super-woman-y anymore. I try calling my mom again but the line is busy. The exam is finally over and I got a D. Which is perfectly fine. But two hours after the actual exam I am not as overjoyed anymore.

Either way, it’s a milestone, a mission accomplished.

My dad’s 53rd birthday was last Tuesday and we had a bunch of people over to celebrate. The weather played along nicely and so we ended up sitting outside around the fire until it was pitchblack. Nothing special, though. It’s always a same people, different year kind of event. This time, it helped me forget my Biology exam for a few hours. I still feel nauseaus, though. I am not prepared and I am scared. And I want this to be over. I can’t wait for the relief when - as Shakespeare would say - the hurly-burly’s done, when the battle’s lost and won. As usual, my problem is that all I do is imagine that moment after the exam, that wave of happiness and freedom that just will have to overcome me. I don’t, however, imagine the actual exam. For some reason I can’t. Which, I’m sure, will make it harder to get through the exam. I don’t even care about the grade, I just want to get it over with but twenty minutes is a freakishly long time to be asked questions about biological stuff. The exam is tomorrow morning at 10.30. Later that same afternoon I can go and ask for my grade.

And although there still is a slight possibility of me having to go back and do an oral History exam because I did so bad at the regular written exam, I already know what I’m going to do as soon as I get home tomorrow. I am done with useless, stupid studying of random crap I don’t give a damn about.

Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights got here yesterday and I can’t wait to dive into these books. This entry’s title is a quote from Wuthering Heights which I loved.

Until then, I’ll just have to hang in there and get the exam over with. I did some more studying this morning and felt a little more confident for a second but now my mind feels completely blank again. I’ll go try to find something to eat now and then probably watch a few more Gilmore Girls episodes with my brother who is hooked now, as well - Ha!, take a shower, drive into town for my Dutch class, get home, die, study some more, die again, try to sleep.

Die. Wake up.

Shake uncontrollably.

Throw up.

Go to school.