I found a quote on Madison’s blog today that very much made my day and basically lifted me out of that little disappointing, ready-to-give-up hole I had fallen into yesterday morning because of the on-going apartment issue. Apparently, it’s from American Beauty - a movie I have never seen. The quote, however, I may end up printing out to put it on my wall and LOOK AT IT WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE LIFE’S BEING A BITCH AGAIN.

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time… For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars… And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street… Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper… And the first time I saw my cousin Tony’s brand new Firebird… And Janie… And Janie… And… Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.

It’s perfect. And it reminded me that I should feel grateful for what I have, that I shouldn’t complain about the fact that apartment hunting is a pain or that I’m scared of going to university in a different country or that I can’t stand the thought of having to go to school for at least another four years.

It reminded me that I should be more than glad to be given the opportunity to receive a first class education at one of the greatest European universities and that my parents’ financial situation is stable enough for me to be able to move to my own place. I do know these things, and it certainly isn’t the first instance I am realizing this - but from time to time I lose perspective and I start hating my life and myself because there are people who have even more than me and, more importantly, seem to be much happier.

Sadly, it takes images on TV of war-ridden countries or natural disasters, friends who tell me that they will have to attend a local college because their family cannot spend any money on education whatsoever or seeing a homeless out in the cold for me to notice that I am, in fact, well off. Which is perverse and something I’m not proud of. It shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t feel good about my life by measuring it against other people’s miseries.

And this quote has finally encouraged me to see that more clearly than ever. My life, on its own, is incomparable, unique and not flawless. But it’s mine, it’s my world, it’s priceless and it will be worth looking back over.

I strongly believe in making one’s personal dreams come true to achieve happiness and things like living on my own or enroling in that one specific university, for me, are part of that image. Dreams are always crushing when they don’t come true. But these personal dreams are often the most painful to lose because they seem so simple, so reasonable, so attainable. You’re always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold, and it breaks your heard.

But then I turn around, and in the great scheme of things, I realize how amazing life truly is, how much beauty is out there. And I understand that, really, that should be more than enough to keep me happy.

And it is. It really and truly is.

Catch up on the story by reading part 1 and part 2.

Part of the reason why I was so psyched about going was that all preparation had gone exceptionally well.

I was lucky enough to experience the best possible processing of finding my host family and planning the whole year. My mom was a huge help with everything official that needed to be taken care of before take-off like the visa (while my dad never really got involved at all), EF forwarded my file to an Regional Coordinator (RC), who then forwarded it to my International Exchange Coordinator (IEC), who’s job it was, then, to place me with a host family that would fit me best.

EF systematically divide the United States up in five regions: Western states, Southern states, the Mid-West, the North-Eastern states (New England) and Montane states (Rocky Mountains). Each region is coordinated by an RC. EF also offer definite placement in either California or Florida for an additional fee of 800 euros ($ 1,240) which I found ridiculous. I personally didn’t have any particular interest in either state just because they were typical tourist spots. I didn’t want to pay this much money just to end up in the Californian desert.

EF also informed all students that, although departures were usually scheduled in June and July, it sometimes took until mid-June to find RCs, IECs and host families. We were not to be worried about that; apparently, it didn’t mean anything and happened all the time.

In late March of 2005 - way earlier than I ever could have imagined - EF contacted me and told me that I had been placed with an IEC in Kentucky. With the confirmation letter came a brochure about Kentucky as well as about Southern states in general. It also included yet another note, saying that it may take until June for my IEC to find the perfect host family for me.

At this point, I was already glowing with excitement. Finally, I was getting started!

On April 6, 2005 - again, so much earlier than I ever expected - my IEC contacted me for the first time by email. I was unbelievably excited and happy: after all, this could mean that I’d know about my host family before June! My IEC’s name was Susan and here’s her first email to me:

Katharina,
I’m your IEC with EF from Kentucky. I’m excited that I will be placing you in my area. I am trying very hard to find just the right family for you that will provide you with a wonderful American experience. If you have any questions please email me at —. I look forward to seeing you in August.

Now, I’m sure everybody would agree instantly that this wasn’t the most heartfelt email, not even all that informative. But I was flying. My first contact to someone American, to my IEC, someone I hopefully wouldn’t have to deal with much (seeing as during the High School Year IECs were mostly there to help a student out when they had problems with their host family) but also someone who was going to decide with whom I would spend the whole next year.

On April 8, 2005, only two days after my first contact to Susan, she sent me another email. The email’s subject was, GOOD NEWS!!!!!! Yeah, with six exclamation marks. Obviously, the good news were that Susan had already found me a host family. A family that practically lived right behind Susan, a family that had hosted before and couldn’t wait to do it again. Susan shortly described the family to me - one boy, two little girls, two dogs, a cat and rather young parents, Andrea and Steve - and I was literally running through the house screaming. I called up my mom at work with trembling fingers because THIS WAS AMAZING.

Knowing who my host family was this early would give me over four months to get to know them before actually getting there. Things seriously couldn’t have been better.

The next day, on April 9, Andrea - my future host mom - emailed me and told me about her family, their everyday life and her experiences with previous exchange students. They had hosted twice with EF before and once without an organisation. Susan had informed me that at least two other exchange students - Linn from Norway and Dora from Taiwan - would live in the immediate neighborhood and Andrea said this was part of why they had decided to host again; it would make things more fun for me, she said. At this point, I was beyond excited. I couldn’t even share my excitement with anyone because nobody understood how happy I really was. Although I certainly had hoped for it, I never expected things to go this well.

I was starved for some pictures as I imagine anyone would be who’s off to spend a year in a new place. I wanted to know what my new family looked like and their home, my room and the neighborhood. I had heard that Americans usually have bigger houses than Europeans but so far I had only ever seen the typical American home in the movies. I never would have thought that movie houses were in fact real American houses. To this point, houses in the movies were surreal to me. When Andrea sent me picture for the first time, I realized that, no, that’s not what movie houses look like. That’s what American houses look like and since most movies are American these days, they end up in the movies. It may sound stupid, but this was an astonishing discovery for me.

These are some of the pictures Andrea sent with one of her first emails to me (I didn’t have the originals saved anymore, so I had to photograph printed versions):

Steve, Kennedy, Andrea and Regan - my amazing host family - on the garage’s backside deck, later affectionately christened THE BEERDECK. Plus, their friend Scott’s dog Chewy peeking out from behind Steve.

Their beautiful, beautiful home. My room was going to be above the garage, Andrea told me.

Part of the family room. That gigantic TV as well as the bar on the right equaled paradise to me during my first weeks with them. During daily life, I then took them for granted.

The deck on the backside of the house. This also became a random part of my daily life, obviously, but when I first saw all this I couldn’t believe how incredibly beautiful and wealthy it all looked. This is also were I sat down and had some lemonade right after I landed and first met Scott who would become one of my greatest friends and Troy who, six months later, would turn out to be a disappointment.

Kennedy, my little angel.

Over the course of the next months, I continously emailed both Andrea and Susan and they also exchanged a couple of emails with my parents. By July, I felt as though I had known both families forever and any doubts or fears about leaving home that might have still been there were blown away.

It was also in July that Susan started closing her emails with a countdown, just like in this email from July 4, 2005:

OK you CRAZY girl,
I have decided that Andrea can’t have you because you are just too much fun!!!! I really like you[r] attitude on life.
Now it’s 22 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Normally, the over-usage of exclamation marks would have annoyed me but oh, was it ever appropriate. I had less than a month to prepare for my big adventure now and yet I didn’t feel rushed or not ready. In fact, I had already come to know and love these people in Kentucky so much that I literally missed them and just wanted to go go go already.

One day later, on July 5, Andrea emailed me again, saying that she had talked to Susan about my flight schedule and arrival time. Things were getting serious AND I LIKED THE FEEL OF IT. Steve will be at work when you get here, Andrea said, and suddenly I felt sick to my stomach - barely, but it was there - because my host family, I finally realized, they had a real life to live. They went to work and I would arrive and suddenly be there and I myself would have to be the one to adjust. Also, Andrea wasn’t the family. Her husband and the kids and their friends and their extended family - I would have to get to know all of them and do my best to be liked.

While all this dawned on me, I kept on reading Andrea’s email. She said she was hoping to get started on my room, Steve and their friend Scott would start on making the headboard of my bed and the nightstand today. And I smiled, I couldn’t help it. This was new to me. Coming from a family of office workers, it never occured to me that someone could actually build nightstands themselves. My excitement, my love for this family all the way out in Kentucky grew and grew.

And so I was absolutely ready to leave and meet them and give them all I possibly had to give. I couldn’t believe my luck that it was this family out of thousands of host families that I’d end up with; that it had been EF and then the state of Kentucky, the right RC and the right IEC Susan and finally, the perfect host family. How easily could have one link in the chain been chosen otherwise and everything would have turned out differently?

I was happy and without a doubt that life, for once, would treat me kind. And that this would work out.

This had been a dream of mine for over five years and now, suddenly, I was counting down the last 24 hours.

To be continued…

Scribbled down on a notepad, Sunday morning in bed, still half asleep:

Just a guitar and low-key drums
Eyes focus on the chocolate cookie crumbs

Warm, soft sheets in the morning

Sunbeams stroke my stomach

I enjoy the quiet

The west wind whispers in the air
Even skin and pretty smelling hair

Closed, gentle eyes

Then, curling up like a fetus

My heart beats to my favorite rhythm

Soap and summer and songs
And my fingertips feel the chocolate cookie crumbs

What the hell is it supposed to mean? Crazy weird.