The official graduation ceremony of my high school as well as prom - or Graduation Ball, as we call it here - was last Saturday, June 7. I’ve known for a while now that I had passed all exams and was, in fact, going to graduate but this was the real deal.

I ended up not going to prom which is not surprising at all and after having seen pictures from it, I’m glad that I didn’t. Hell, after seeing what people were wearing to the morning ceremony I didn’t want to go to prom anymore! I just wouldn’t have fit in, I wouldn’t have felt comfortable.

I’m glad it’s all behind me now. I’m not the kinda gal that likes pretty, formal clothes or tiny champagne flutes. I need loud music, beer and cowboy boots and strong wind and fewer people. Also, I need somebody to tell me to stand still when my dad’s trying to get a picture of me. Geez, it wouldn’t have hurt to quit moving for a second, now would it, he said afterwards. But oh well.

As expected, short dresses, champagne and summer heat made the whole thing more fun than it maybe should have been. The programme inside the auditorium was beautiful and moving. However, the only time I almost cried was when people started applauding upon our principal saying, I’LL NOW FINISH UP MY SPEECH. I felt really sorry for her but that was just me, I guess. Everybody else applauded and cheered and laughed.

To me, the most important day, the sad day, the day that high school ended was my last day of class because that’s when I stopped seeing everybody. And that’s when I actually missed them for a while, when I couldn’t imagine taking my next steps without them around me. Those were the thoughest days of my life because I fell and I fell and I fell and nothing and nobody was there to keep me from falling, suddenly everything was wide open. Those amazing kids of my class that I am so fucking proud of for doing such an amazing job, for facing this challenge that I’ve had to face, all of us together - it won’t be like that again. Ever. On that last day of class, that had become clearer than anything else.

But I’m okay now and Saturday was just a formality. I went in, got my certificate, my papers - and got the hell out of there.

No need to cut open old wounds, to let it eat my heart away again. Because deep down I know that I’m still hurting, and I will be for a while.

Today was all about the final, official, informal celebration of my class’ graduation. Prom and the ceremony will be next Saturday and I’m not loking forward to either.

Day of chaos - as this last day is called - includes beer and loud music and water guns and a thousand students and sunshine and a pizza booth. Put all that out in a schoolyard and you’ve got yourself a party. Traditionally, teachers are given presents as a thank you and forced to take part in silly games. We also started selling our AZ, the senior book of class ‘08, and will continue to do so tomorrow.

Over the past couple of years, day of chaos didn’t work as it’s supposed to because students of the lower classes somehow found out the date beforehand and then simply didn’t show up which, of course, made it impossible to hunt them all down with water guns.

So this year we changed the start of day of chaos to the end of second period (9.30 am). That way, all students were already in the building, cluelessly minding their business. We got the principal to agree that with the ring of the bell, they would also set off the fire alarm. That way, everybody had to get outside and we completely took them by surprise.

After the general water gun shenanigans, all the kids from the lower classes were soaking wet but the sun shined and they enjoyed the program we had planned. It’s all pretty silly and I was busy pretty much the whole time selling the senior book but everything went just great.

You never know what to expect from 120 drunk graduates who couldn’t care less about their school now and usually go wild, but they all did so good and helped clean up and stuff. I’m proud of my class, actually.

And there were a few people I saw that I had almost forgotten about and for just a second that feeling of losing everything once school is really and truly over on Saturday came back. But now that I’m back home, it’s gone again. Weirdly, it’s the opposite of once something is gone, you realize how much you miss it. It’s more like, once I don’t have them around me, I realize that life is just as good without them.

Anyway, I’m glad day of chaos turned out to be such a success!

I spent more than three hours looking for a prom dress today. For a prom dress I didn’t want in the first place for the Graduation Ball I never planned on going to until in a minute of mind blankness I bought tickets for me and my parents. And told them about the ball.

I didn’t find a dress today. I hate dresses and my body is just not made for dresses. Is that a sign? Besides the fact that I don’t want to go, anyway? I think, yes.

So now I’m out a whole precious day of my life, 60 euros ($ 95) for the tickets and endless nerves lost in the process.

Hallelujah.