I haven’t been depressed lately. At all. I’ve been out of school for a little over a month and although not everything is always easy and fun, I haven’t felt that pressing, melancholic weight of depression.

Which is good news, oh God, it is such good news. I had hoped for my depression to stop when school was over forever because it tended to be the cause behind any form of unhappiness I experienced. Although, of course, there’s always a difference between unhappiness and depression and the truly evil part of that - actual depression - seems to have died off with the last day of school.

My oral Biology exam, the Graduation and Graduation Ball are still coming up and just talking about it makes me nauseaus but other than that I feel relieved and excited about it all finally coming to an end. Friends of mine keep telling me how sad they are that high school is over and I’ve had difficulties at first as well but now, that I haven’t seen any of my former classmates for five weeks, I don’t care any longer. In fact, I’m surprised how little I care.

I’ve made different plans for the rest of the year already and without high school the possibilities appear endless. Aside from moving into my own place and starting university, I have decided to try to read as many classics as I possibly can. Dramas, short stories, novels, plays - whatever I can think of.

Here’s the list of all titles I have so far: The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Jane Eyre, Little Women, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Importance of Being Earnest, Moby Dick, Robinson Crusoe, Frankenstein, Animal Farm, 1984, Fahrenheit 451, Lord of the Flies, Brave New World, Romeo and Juliet, Death of a Salesman, Catcher in the Rye, A Tale of Two Cities, Oliver Twist, The Scarlett Letter, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Wuthering Heights, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Great Gatsby, and The Call of the Wild.

I doubt that I will ever read them all and so I’m gonna have to come up with some sort of system. Those in italic font are more or less my final choice. I really can’t predict how much time I’m gonna have because I’ll be doing tons of reading for uni, too, nor how much money I’ll actually have. Amazon sells these classics for about four euros each, though, so that’s not too bad. Then again, it’s not like I don’t have other stuff I, seemingly, need to get.

It’s funny. The character Rory on Gilmore Girls has made education seem less boring to me and has given me confidence in the fact that reading a lot is not actually a bad thing. I’m really, really glad.

On the other hand, television makes studying look so easy. People grab their books, sit in a corner and ten minutes later they’re good to go. Nobody seems to have a problem with remembering stuff. Which is another clue that televsion series are very unreal. Ergo, I need to get my act together and do more studying and hope that it will help somehow, that maybe, just this once, information will end up branded into my brain cells.

I’d say it’s worth a try but that would mean fooling myself into something untrue. Major sigh.

I walk barefoot where the water drowns the sand
With you no longer here to hold my hand
I let go, I let go

The ocean makes my swelling heart feel small
With the sounds it makes you won’t hear it if I call
I let go, I let go

There’s a breeze in the air
There’s a boat anchored out here
There’s a calm under the waves as I choose to sink

Your skin protected me from sunbeams
Your hands made sure I’d stay intact
I let go, I let go

You were always there to walk me home
With you not here, the streets I roam
I let go, I let go

There’s a breeze in the air
There’s a boat passing over there
There’s a calm under the waves as I choose to sink

With your voice in my head
I could float here instead
But there’s a calm under the waves so I choose to sink

I’m tired now
I’ll see you when I wake up
I’ve heard it’s pretty where you are
I let go, I let go

Calm under the waves by Maria Mena. My exact emotions today, on the first day of being officially out of school.

I guess, at first glance I often appear lazy, unmotivated, naïve and incredibly careless as to what goes on in my life. And I guess, that’s because I am. Or, at least, I can be.

Apparently, my P.E. teacher announced everyone’s grades for this term last Wednesday and mentioned that he couldn’t give me any grade at all since I skipped P.E. all semester. Now - I understand that. Giving me a regular grade would be unfair to those who force themselves through P.E. every Wednesday. The fact that I just couldn’t get myself to attend P.E. class should be punished in some way.

Until a couple of days ago, I thought that he would simply give me an F. I would fail P.E. this semester but that wouldn’t have mattered because I already have all the credits I need to graduate in the summer. Taking P.E. every semester is mandatory for all students but it doesn’t contribute to graduation credits.

But as it seems, he’s not going to fail me. Assumingly, he’s going to talk to the guidance counselors and have them talk to me. They may have me evicted, as in: I can’t graduate this year. I’m sure they’d welcome me to do 13th grade all over again and attend P.E. that time around and then graduate. But FUCK NO.

There are three weeks of classes left. But even if they made any offers - like, I would have to attend those remaining three P.E. lessons and maybe hand in an essay or something and then I’d be given a D - even then, I wouldn’t go.

I just cannot go back there and deal with the other kids after not having been to class for a whole year. I am horrible at sports because I have put on a little too much weight and I have allergies that affect my breathing. But most importantly, I just cannot get up in the afternoon - after I have long been home from the regular school morning - and go back to school and attend the class.

I just can’t.

I am depressed and I can’t get motivated. Not even if my life depended on it. Or, as in this case, my future.

If they won’t let me graduate, I can’t attend university. I wouldn’t be moving to Maastricht, I wouldn’t get a degree, I might as well stop this life for good.

I get mad and I cry about this because I am a good student. I am commited to a few extra-curricular activities, I am very active in planning all the different activities concerning our graduation this summer. I am interested in this world, I love this world in all its beauty. I want to see it all someday. I am not some slacker who sits around all day doing nothing. Until recently my grades were above average. I used to almost never stay home from school, I have never gone home with a note, I have never raised attention to myself for anything negative.

This is my only flaw.

I just cannot believe, I cannot grasp, how something as ridiculously needless as P.E. may mess it all up in the end. I cannot believe that depression isn’t recognized as a serious disease around here and that I’m fighting it on a daily basis without anyone knowing. I cannot understand why it makes me so careless. Why I wasn’t able to force myself to go all year.

And I don’t know how I can explain this to the guidance counselors who, I’m sure, will want to talk to me tomorrow. I can see them calling depression a silly excuse, I can see them demonstrating how others manage to do everything I do and still attend all classes.

And, frankly, I understand. It’s true: others deal with it all. And I don’t.

But please, oh my God, just please - let me graduate. I have this huge dream of finally getting out of school and starting life and losing this haunting cloud of depression. If I don’t get out this summer, things will worsen and depression will take over completely.

I am terrified and I keep whispering to myself that they wouldn’t do that. They wouldn’t do that to me. They wouldn’t make me do another year. They wouldn’t.

Oh God, I can’t deal with this - on top of everything else. It’s all such a fucking mess. Why is everybody always trying to make life as hard on people as possible?