Uhm, okay, so nothing is working right now.

My usual interest in internet and blogging, my mind, my heart, my senses, my emotions, my home.

Because living this far away from my real home? Especially on this first day when my parents and my brother went all the way back home for real this time?

It fucking sucks.

I have to believe that I will get over this, that I will get used to the new life that includes me living on my own, that one day I will wake up and see that all is good in the my world. Because that is all I’m clinging to right now and it’s what keeps me from jumping on the next train back home, crying in my mother’s arms and giving up on studying at Maastricht University; taking the easy way out: continue living in my parents’ house and take whichever classes the local university has to offer.

That’s what my heart tells me to do right now, it tells me to turn around and quit acting so mature and grown-up when I’m really a Blanky-clutching-kinda-gal that very much needs the comfort of home. But what is the right thing to do? Was it wrong to take this big a step? Am I not strong enough?

I don’t feel strong enough and I worry. I worry about everything; whether I should change the name tag next to the doorbell downstairs and why I can’t just cry because I know crying would make me feel better. I worry that I will never find friends here and I worry that university doesn’t start until September 1 and I worry that I will never make it until then.

Because, really, my heart cries and my mind screams and it’s only my first official day here – so does that mean it’ll get better or does that mean I didn’t even last one day?

I want to cry, I really, really do. I can feel it behind my eyes and in my throat and somewhere in my nose and I think I need to cry to get it all out because this time blogging doesn’t do the trick but I don’t. I can’t. I never cry, except during the movies. Somehow, I’m just not genetically set up for it.

I’m also tired because it is exceptionally hot outside and my family and I have been wandering through both Maastricht and Aachen these past few days and I didn’t get much sleep, but most of all: I am constantly worrying that I forgot to do something any single-household-person is expected to have a handle on. I am checking my bag twice before leaving to make sure I have everything with me, I am putting my toothbrush back into the exact same place everytime, I am making up plans in my head of random stuff to do so that I won’t have too much time on my hand to think of how miserable I feel.

All of this, and the way I feel as though my insides had been kicked and tormented, as though all of me and all I ever knew has been turned inside out – it makes me tired. Very, very tired. And desperate for a way to change things back to when life used to be carefree and easy with a snap.