You said I killed you - haunt me, then

My dad’s 53rd birthday was last Tuesday and we had a bunch of people over to celebrate. The weather played along nicely and so we ended up sitting outside around the fire until it was pitchblack. Nothing special, though. It’s always a same people, different year kind of event. This time, it helped me forget my Biology exam for a few hours. I still feel nauseaus, though. I am not prepared and I am scared. And I want this to be over. I can’t wait for the relief when - as Shakespeare would say - the hurly-burly’s done, when the battle’s lost and won. As usual, my problem is that all I do is imagine that moment after the exam, that wave of happiness and freedom that just will have to overcome me. I don’t, however, imagine the actual exam. For some reason I can’t. Which, I’m sure, will make it harder to get through the exam. I don’t even care about the grade, I just want to get it over with but twenty minutes is a freakishly long time to be asked questions about biological stuff. The exam is tomorrow morning at 10.30. Later that same afternoon I can go and ask for my grade.

And although there still is a slight possibility of me having to go back and do an oral History exam because I did so bad at the regular written exam, I already know what I’m going to do as soon as I get home tomorrow. I am done with useless, stupid studying of random crap I don’t give a damn about.

Jane Eyre and Wuthering Heights got here yesterday and I can’t wait to dive into these books. This entry’s title is a quote from Wuthering Heights which I loved.

Until then, I’ll just have to hang in there and get the exam over with. I did some more studying this morning and felt a little more confident for a second but now my mind feels completely blank again. I’ll go try to find something to eat now and then probably watch a few more Gilmore Girls episodes with my brother who is hooked now, as well - Ha!, take a shower, drive into town for my Dutch class, get home, die, study some more, die again, try to sleep.

Die. Wake up.

Shake uncontrollably.

Throw up.

Go to school.