Having to let them go eventually, it paralyzes me

Even though I will be thrilled to be done with school, last Sunday’s Senior Night rehersals were so completely beautiful, fun and heart-warming; somehow the whole thing set off a whole wave of depression and grief, showing me the painfully dull life I have ahead of me.

A life without some of these brilliant, wonderful people that I basically shared thirteen years of my life with and may not see ever again after graduation.

Of course, my girls and I - the people I’m actually close to - will see each other after That One Day and, hopefully, remain friends for many years to come.

But as it turns out, there are so many others that I am going to miss more than I ever thought I would. I never expected to feel this worked up about saying goodbye to somebody I’ve never even seen outside of school.

There are so many old friends that I have grown apart from but still talk to at school all the time, so many people I sit next to in class but never invited to any of my birthdays, so many people I love and admire but won’t necessary stay in touch with because I never had any contact information and now it would be weird to ask for it.

I don’t have any guy friends and so it’s them especially. Some of them completely make my day all the time with their funny dialogues, just by letting me stand at the sideline of their lives. You know, those adorable guy friendships à la Joey and Chandler? I love watching the way they enact with each other and the way they talk to each other and people around them. Of course I have certain guys in mind when I mention this (although it wouldn’t make any sense to write down any names) and, I don’t know how to put this, but they are just such awesome people.

They have grown to be those humorous, respectful and smart men and somehow it saddens me that I won’t be able to watch them anymore. Not in a stalker kind of way, obviously, but having them around all the time; them and they’re relaxed way of dealing with everything that comes their way.

It’s weird that I have such deep appreciation for people that I don’t actually know.

But I had tears in my eyes at the rehersals, when M who I had secretly been in love with for many years and now still really like, got up on stage - so secure and so drop-dead-gorgeous and so very rockstar. When he sang “Are you gonne be my girl” and he and some other guys grabbed their guitars, it sounded just like the original - and it wasn’t like some crappy, screaming teenband that practice in a fucking garage; it was great and sophisticated and so good.

Late at night I can still here him seduce the audience with an alluring You look so fine and I really want to make you mine or a simple I said, are you gonna be my girl?

For some reason, he is walking proof of how much we have all grown and how important and fucking awesome an individual each and everyone of these people is. And even if I never talked to some of these guys, they were always there and as always when you get used to something, you hurt once it’s gone.

It’s funny that, all along, their being there was amazing enough so that I never tried to become friends with them. I guess that shows what an important role school actually plays in my life: I have always been a loner and didn’t want to spend any of my free time with people from school.

It is slowly becoming obvious that I didn’t need any of that because all my social life took place at school every morning and I would enjoy being with all those wonderful people but then I wanted to go home, be by myself in peace and quiet and call it a day. Apparently, it never occured to me that once school was over, the most important part of my life would disappear.

And now I feel like I have to hold on to these people because if I don’t have them, nothing will be left. God, this strong urge to hold on to them - to literally wrap my arms around them and never let them go, it’s killing me.

I feel like I’m about to forever seperate from my closest brothers, from family - even more than that, even worse than that. The thought of never seeing them again after graduation because they don’t care about me since I am not at all close to them in any way paralyzes me. Why is it that you have to let go? It’s impossible to keep in touch with all 120 seniors, it’s even impossible to forcefully make these guys that I’m talking about my friends - just so I can keep enjoying their presence.

It’s funny how you take things for granted and only ever notice how much you love them when you’re about to lose them.